Discussion of the Sexing
by lumoscrimsom
Summary: Does what it says on the tin. Except it's not a tin. Rating for dodgy innuendos.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Not mine. Not mine…stealing is _wrong_…not mine.

**A/N: **Wrote this because I watched Order of the Phoenix last night *sobs* so I had to write something with the pups just to comfort myself. Eat up and enjoy.

"Faster, Moony."

"No, I'll hurt you."

"Please? Faster!"

"Fine. Brace yourself."

"…"

"…"

"Merlin! _Oooowww_!"

"I told you, Padfoot."

"Fine, you were right." Sirius mumbled, rubbing a hand over the sore spot, "Go slow, then."

Remus chuckled softly and removed Sirius' hand to continue, running the brush slowly through the tangles of the knotted, raven hair. The boy had decided that spying on a group of suspicious Slytherins in the Forbidden Forest would be a good idea – Remus, who had told them that it was the exact opposite of a good idea, had been proven right when the two sheepish boys had come back to the Tower covered in leaves and dirt with various disfigurations.

"You need to learn, Padfoot," Remus smiled to the back of Sirius' head, his slender fingers combing out the last leaf, "I'm always right. That's the last one."

"We weren't to know those snakes were gonna catch us." Sirius grumbled, "Falling down that hill, though…I admit, should've seen that one."

"Yes, especially if your eyes were open."

"Funny, Lupin."

"It's a gift."

Remus ceased his ministrations and lowered the brush, patting Sirius' shoulder, but the animagus stayed seated on the stool in front of the mirror and tilted his head back to pout at him upside down, batting his long lashes enticingly.

"Don't stop, Rem." He pleaded, "It feels good."

Remus laughed, leaning down to plant a quick kiss on his forehead, "Okay, okay. But you had better stop talking like that. James will think there's more going on in here than there really is."

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Sirius asked in a mockingly seductive voice as Remus continued to brush his hair, making sure to scrape the bristles against his scalp gently, knowing which sensations the other boy favoured.

"What? Prongs thinking we're having sex in the bathroom?"

"No, _actually_ sexing in the bathroom." Sirius corrected, waggling his eyebrows at Remus' reflection in the mirror, "It's the one place we haven't done it yet."

"We share with Prongs and Wormtail, Sirius." Remus scolded, trying to ignore the faint blush he could see on his reflection's cheeks, "How do you think they would feel about that? You really ought to drop this fetish you have with sex in strange places."

"Lots of people shag in bathrooms, Moonster." Sirius laughed, "If I said I wanted to debauch you in Minnie's office, now _that's_ bordering on fetish grounds."

"Bordering?" Remus asked incredulously, pausing in his brushing, "I'd hate to see what an extreme would be for you."

"Don't lie to yourself, Moony, you're gagging to find out." Sirius smirked, before straightening his expression to meet Remus' eyes in the mirror, "Are you really that concerned about Jamie?"

Remus coloured further, "I…I just don't want to scare him off. He's already been so understanding…"

"Understanding," Sirius snorted, "Only 'cause I caught him and Evans at it up here the other day."

"You _what_?" Remus demanded, coming around to stand in front of Sirius. He grinned and waggled his brows again.

"Oh yeah. I came up to the dorm, all innocent and unassuming—"

"I doubt you have ever been innocent and unassuming." Remus pointed out, hitching himself up onto the counter beneath the mirror, setting the brush down with a clatter. Sirius shrugged with a lopsided grin as he shuffled his stool closer to prop his elbows on Remus' knees and cradled his chin in his hands.

"Touché. Anyway, I came up to the dorm and they were going at it like rabbits on his bed, hangings wide open, clothes thrown all over the place." Sirius shuddered, his eyes clouding over, "I saw parts of those two I never wanted to see."

Remus patted Sirius' cheek sympathetically, "That's why James is so lenient with us." He paused thoughtfully, glancing at the door to the dormitory where James, Lily and Peter were all sitting, listening to James' most likely exaggerated tale about the Slytherins in the forest. "To be honest, I didn't think they had gone that far yet."

"We did the day after we got together." Sirius smirked, trailing a finger up Remus' thigh.

"That's different," Remus smiled, "We were both hormonal sixteen year old boys. Sex for girls is a much more significant experience."

"Are you trying to tell me that you think I didn't think us finally shagging was significant? Because I'll have you know, I'd been dreaming about that moment for three years." Sirius said indignantly. Remus laughed softly and ran a hand through his boyfriend's soft tresses fondly.

"I know." He assured the pouting boy, "I just meant that girls see sex differently."

"Okay." Sirius frowned, "I thought Evans would have told you. You two are supposed to be best friends or something, right?"

"Mmm." Remus hummed thoughtfully, "She probably believes I'd think less of her if she told me. Girls don't brag about sexual exploits like boys do, Pads."

"That's no fun." Sirius grimaced, before his mouth curved into a sly smile, "So Evans sees you as one of the girls, then? I mean, I don't blame her, it's not like you're particularly _boyish_."

"Obviously, you don't want to get laid tonight."

"But," Sirius continued quickly, with a wide smile up at Remus, "On the other hand, how could she mistake your manliness? Hasn't she seen the size of your cock? Well, I hope not. If she has, I think I'd personally have to gouge her eyes out. Prongs would murder me because she wouldn't be able to look upon his godly gorgeousness – not my words, his. But anyway, if you didn't get my drift, you are not a girl, because your magic stick does mystic things to me."

"Merlin, Sirius." Remus snorted, "Do you listen to yourself?"

"Of course." Sirius said, lifting his chin and putting on a haughty expression, "I'm the only person _worth_ listening to."

"I am decided. Padfoot most definitely isn't getting any tonight."

"Argh. Fine. Moony, my great and powerful lover, you are the only person I know, with a basilisk hiding under his robes, who has anything to say that interests and stimulates me." Sirius reeled off, ending with an exaggerated wink, "Did I do good?"

"Of course, Padfoot. You deserve a pet."

"_Heavy_ petting?"

"Is there any other kind?"

Sirius got a soppily happy, in-love look on his face, making his eyes wide and his smile bright as he stretched up and pulled Remus's face down by his hair to kiss him lightly. "This, Remus Lupin, is why I love you." He declared when he had pulled back.

"Because I make jokes about having sex with you?" Remus asked in amusement.

"Well, that and the magnificence of your magic wand up my wizard's sleeve." Sirius leered with a sleazy grin. Remus tried desperately to keep a straight face in order to reprimand Sirius on his lewd innuendos, but failed to when he burst out laughing and shook his head.

"Padfoot, must we keep having the same conversation?" the werewolf asked around hearty chortles, "You are _not_ a girl, therefore you have a distinct lack of what you so eloquently refer to as a 'wizard's sleeve'. Although…" Remus trailed off with one of _those_ smirks that so rarely curved one side of his mouth up into a rather deliciously wicked expression that made Sirius want to jump him, "Since you insisted so resolutely that I am not the girly one in this relationship, you _are_ my bitch, so I suppose it is, actually, quite accurate."

Sirius spluttered and ruffled Remus' hair, getting up from his stool to stand over him, "Mr Padfoot would like to remind Mr Moony that he is not always his bitch." He leaned forward to kiss the pulse point on the other boy's neck and then lick a slow, wet line up to the corner of his mouth. "Sometimes, Mr Moony is actually Mr Padfoot's bitch."

"Mr Padfoot should be well aware of which of us likes being bottom best." Remus murmured, turning his head to capture Sirus' lips. The kiss started out slow and lazy, an unhurried moment between them, before Sirius' tongue darted out to lick Remus' mouth open and it became deep and toe curling. Remus' fingers travelling up Sirius' mud-caked shirt to knot in his hair as Sirius used Remus' position on the counter and his own position between Remus' legs to rock against him slowly, the action languidly indulgent – one that did not beg for immediate attention, but promised future pleasures. When they pulled apart, Remus was flushed and misty eyed and Sirius was panting with a wide grin as he rested his forehead against the other boy's.

"No need to brag about your prowess at topping." Sirius breathed, still in the process of catching his breath. Remus laughed, pulling back to land another quick kiss on his lover's lips.

"There's no need for prowess when you're already so willing to be submissive." Remus quipped. Sirius opened his mouth in mock horror and gasped dramatically.

"Submissive? _Submissive_? I, the  
great Sirius Orion Black of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black am _never_ submissive, Mr Remus I-think-I'm-a-dominatrix Lupin!"

Remus' eyes glazed over as he remembered a specific moment in time which proved that Sirius Black certainly was _not_ submissive and grabbed him by the collar to drag him into a hard, pressing kiss. When he pulled back, it was Sirius' eyes that had misted over this time.

"No." Remus whispered, "No, you're not."

Sirius stared at Remus for a long, tense moment, wondering whether or not he should just have the boy right there and then on the counter beneath the mirror where he could see himself and Remus joined in the most intimate way, but he remembered – luckily – that the others were waiting outside for Remus to finish with his hair and come to use the bathroom. Hmm, he would have to wait a little longer.

"Stop trying to seduce me, you randy wolf." Sirius grinned, lacing his fingers with Remus', "I'm stronger than that. And anyway, there are virgin ears right behind that door. Well, there's Peter and a couple of exhibitionists Do you really want to scar poor Wormy?"

"We've already accomplished that." Remus pointed out, lifting his hand – still joined with one of Sirius' – to brush his hair from his face, his cheeks still hot, "Have you forgotten the way in which he and James found out about us?"

"How could I ever forget their faces?" Sirius asked, wiping away an imaginary tear from under his eye with the back of one of Remus' fingers, "Utterly priceless, my Moonpie, utterly priceless."

"I'll admit, it was funny." Remus smiled at the memory, "But unless we want Wormtail to _really_ have a heart attack, we won't ever let him see us…like _that_, again."

"Prongsy thought it was funny, too."

"He would. He's a recently uncovered exhibitionist, remember?" Remus reminded him with a poke in the stomach, "Although I don't think that doing it on your own bed corresponds with being an exhibitionist."

"Moony! They knew I was going to walk in on them!" Sirius exclaimed, making Remus put a finger over his lips as he glanced towards the door with a surprising giggle. Sirius grinned and nipped at the finger before continuing in quieter tones, "Me and Prongs—"

"Prongs and I." Remus corrected.

"—always go up to the dorm and play a game of chess on our Wednesday afternoon free periods. He – and Evans, she wasn't innocent in this, either – _knew_ I was going to walk in on them!" Sirius finished, ignoring Remus' predictable amendment. Remus lifted a single eyebrow in that unknowingly effortless way Sirius so desperately wanted to be able to do.

"Maybe you're right." He shrugged, "Maybe their thing is that they want to get caught. Did they stop when you walked in?"

Sirius screwed up his face when he thought back, "No. James just sort of muttered something and kept going. Ew." He added at the memory.

"Indeed."

"Wonder what Wormtail needs to get off?"

"…Sirius, why would you say that?" Remus grimaced, "I can feel my dinner coming back up."

"The kid's so…so…_unsexable_, I can't imagine what he'd wank about."

"Firstly, unsexable isn't a word," Remus said, ignoring Sirius' challenging, single lifted brow that looked more absurd than it did sexy, since he couldn't quite get one eyebrow up without contorting his whole face, "and secondly, I never thought I would say this, but it rather sounds as though you are sexually interested in our round friend, Peter Pettigrew."

"Okay. Again, ew." Sirius gagged melodramatically, clutching at his throat, "That's gross, Moony. I just mean…"

"You can't imagine Pete and sex in the same sentence let alone bed." Remus provided. Sirius nodded quickly.

"Yeah, and we know what turns the rest of us on. Prongs and Evans enjoy a couple of voyeurs spying on them and it's pretty obvious what _we_ need to get us off."

"It is?"

Sirius gave Remus a look that told the werewolf that he was being a dunce, "Yes, Moony. We're gay. Being gay has an awful lot to do with liking things in places that other people generally don't."

"Ah. I suppose it _is_ obvious."

"Mmm."

"I know what Wormtail likes." Remus said offhandedly, enjoying when Sirius started and snapped his head up to stare excitedly at him.

"Oooh, what? What is it?" the animagus demanded, "Gods, I can take the piss out of him for whatever it is, I can feel it!"

"Well, I caught him and a girl in a broom cupboard when I was on my rounds a few nights ago."

"_What_?" Sirius shrieked, this time making Remus slap his whole hand over his mouth. He mumbled something unintelligible, but Remus knew what he wanted to know and answered accordingly.

"Some Hufflepuff." Remus shrugged. He lowered his hand and gave Sirius a significant look, "I don't know her name, as she was quite a bit _younger_ than us."

Sirius' eyes widened when Remus' hinting dawned on him. "How much younger?"

"I'm sure neither of us want to know." Remus said with a grimacing finality. They stayed like that for a moment, Sirius standing between Remus' legs, both boys quiet and immersed in their slightly disturbing thoughts about their friends. Sirius looked down and groaned.

"All this talk about Wormtail committing sexual offences has scared little Sirius away." He sighed mournfully. Remus looked down, too and did that sexy eyebrow lift that made Sirius now unsure of whether his woeful statement was actually true.

"Little Sirius?" Remus repeated, the corners of his mouth quirking up.

"Okay, okay, _big _Sirius."

Remus laughed and pulled Sirius in for a third kiss, skipping the gentle part and sliding straight into the heated, needy part, his tongue pushing into the other boy's mouth. One hand cupped the back of his neck, his thumb stroking circles under Sirius' jaw, whilst the other hand drifted down and quickly remedied the animagus' issue. When they pulled apart for air, Sirius looked down again and then back up at Remus with a seductive grin, his grey eyes hooded.

"Problem solved." He murmured, letting his own hands skim lower and lower until the werewolf gasped and tilted his head back with a low moan, "Now, why don't we go and fix this new one that happens to have arisen? You are, after all, rather sexable and I would rather like to thoroughly sex you."

"The others are in the dormitory." Remus reminded him, catching his hands.

"Why should that stop us?" Sirius asked, leaning forwards to pull Remus from the counter. Remus, much to Sirius' delight, wrapped his arms and legs around him, allowing Sirius to grip his arse firmly to hold him up. "We have perfectly good curtains and I hear you're a wizard at silencing charms.

"Give me a reason." Remus grinned, burying his face in Sirius' neck. He felt the other boy's chest vibrate against his when he laughed softly and the sound, and the sensation, coursed through him like a bolt of lightning need.

"I must warn you, Remus, I can be very persuasive."

"I know. That's one of the reason's I love you."


End file.
